Spent the Week Crying... - Page 3 - Motorcycle-Journal Forums

oldfart1958 · 08-22-2005, 11:40 AM

Tony, you have such a great daughter, she is doing more for you than you can imagine. When you told about the prayor bell, I had tears in my eyes.. She is an angel and one that many parents would be proud of.. you are on your first steps of healing with the help of your angel.. God bless and take care..

**Clint** · 08-22-2005, 06:11 PM

You can't blame yourself for your initial reaction. It's in most of us to expect a positive outcome - that just says something about your attitude toward life.

You have a beautiful daughter, no doubt a credit to you. Happy riding.

Hardware · 08-22-2005, 07:49 PM

I am so sorry to hear of another fallen rider and for your loss.

Don't second-guess any of your reactions - whether they were your thoughts while sliding along the pavement; or how your felt (or didn't feel) when you first learned of the fatality; or how you later felt about riding.

They were simply your reactions to what was a pretty abnormal situation. You cannot change what has happened but you can control (to a certain extent) how you cope with the present and future.

You are going to replay the event in your mind repeatedly - it was a very traumatic experience - it's completely normal.

See a mental health professional - it's nothing to be ashamed of at all.

Emergency workers are referred to mental health professionals on a regular basis. Some forward thinking agencies make it mandatory following a critical incident whereby all staff involved have to see a counsellor. This removes any stigma and even the most macho guys can say to their peers, "Well...we had to go..." - but at least they hopefully open up in private and get the help they require.

In case I wasn't clear enough before - see a mental health professional!

One other thing (and at the risk of offending) - your daughter sounds like she's incredible - however you are the mother.

She's providing support, but don't lean on her too much. Never treat her like a peer that you can confide in. She will always be your daughter and never blur that role. Seek solace from her as a daughter ONLY, seek solace from other close friends as peers.

What do I mean by that? Take her for a ride, give/get hugs to/from her but do not discuss the incident or your worst feelings in depth with her. She's a 13 year old kid. Try not to cry in front of her. Go get drunk with close friends and cry/confide/swear/unload to them. Discuss your worst fears with a mental health professional.

...and one last thing...in case I wasn't clear enough before - see a mental health professional!

As for riding - there's no right/wrong decision. It's what will feel right to you.

I once met a guy who'd been in a pretty bad bike wreck and was told he would never ride again and might not walk. Well, he was walking and riding pretty damn well when I met him. He told me however that the night before any bike tour, he would basically be up all night long, vomitting, he was so nervous. As soon as he swung his leg over the bike in the morning however - he was fine.

Don't let anyone tell you that you either should or shouldn't ride. No one else can make that decision for you.

Either way, keep us posted. Always keep in mind that there's a lot of brother and sister riders around the world thinking of you.

kyro2000 · 08-22-2005, 10:25 PM

I'm so sorry to hear this story. The most important thing you can do is to make sure you take time for yourself and you do things at your pace. I lost my father to a motorcycle accident over 3 years ago. Allot of people thought I was insane when I started to ride just 1 year after his death.... but life goes on.
You and only you will know when the time has come to throw a leg back over.

Once again I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a great loss when you know you were all riding the right way and not even pulling stupid stuff.

Thoughts and prayers go to you.

KNIGHTENFORCER · 08-23-2005, 03:33 AM

reading your posts...i was on the verge of crying myself, it bought back lots of unpleasant memories( death of friends/loved ones), I could only imagine the suffering you've been going through...just dont be too hard on yourself, it was an accident, sometimes things happen that we have absolutely no control over...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones, and may your friend rest in peace. Remember you will always have a place to vent your feelings (here in this forum), and we'll be listening (reading), right here.

jpwM50 · 08-23-2005, 11:38 AM

I feel your pain, I too have gone thru a difficult couple of months where my mom died and my best buddy, my dog of 9 years that I had to put down. All I can say is look for your inner strength to heal yourself and life does go on. Your daughter's help is great and all family members too.
God bless.

Scourge · 08-23-2005, 05:34 PM

DAMN. I've been trying to think of anything that was left out by all the others, but it's all been pretty much covered, so I'll just add a word or two. First off, it sucks, but with time and support it will get better. Don't applologize to yourself or anyone else for your feelings. You have no control over those and that's just the price of being human. The actions you take because of your feelings are totally in your control, but there is no need to act right now. You have all the time you need to come to grips with this so don't fret about riding again, it will come. The nightmares will recede and you will "move on", but like Rowdy said this in one of those things that will forever stay w/ you and that's OK. If you remained Nevanerviss after something like this then you would probably be inline for some serious counciling, but turning into Supernerviss for a while is normal. Councilling isn't a bad idea though, gettin a 3rd person perspective on the whole affair, from someone trained to deal w/ such things isn't a sign of weakness, i'ts a sign of intelligence. We all have our limits.

You have to do what's best for you and that kid of yours (give her a hug from me by the way for being such a good one). You'll get through this. It may not seem like that right now, but like I said w/ time and some help it will get better. Good luck to ya chickadee, and if you need anything from the board, all you have to do is shout. We are ALL here for you.

Zuki Dude · 08-24-2005, 12:03 AM

Wow. This is the first I've seen this post. I'm so sorry about the whole situation. I don't even know what to say that hasn't been said. Just rest assure my thoughts are with you.

nevanerviss · 08-24-2005, 08:12 AM

Thank you so much guys and girls... You guys are awesome!!!

Hardware,
I definately know where you're coming from, but it's been just me and her for SO long that she's become my best friend and confidant, however, I do realize that she IS my daughter and not a peer... She wants to ride, and eventually, I'll get her her own horse, and she NEEDS to know of the pitfalls that are out there... I do see your point though... I'm the adult and shouldn't rely on a 13 y/o to help me through this; and oh yeah-See a mental health professional

I went to his gravesite to lay flowers and pray for him his family and myself for the strength to get past this... Then his wife and their kids showed up, then we ALL cried and prayed... She told me how much courage I had to even get on a bike in the first place, let alone ride after an accident... I told her that except for the funeral, I have not ridden, and she actually got mad... She said, "If you wanna show Spoonee love, ya gotta do it on a bike!!! You ride for your Dad, well, ride for Spoonee now too..." She's right, you know... I have an obligation to ride for those who can no longer ride, but have the spirit to... And if something ever happens to me, I would hope that people that know me will ride for my spirit as well... I'm working toward getting back on, but I do know that it will take some time...

**inspiron** · 08-24-2005, 04:01 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nevanerviss

She wants to ride, and eventually, I'll get her her own horse

Like this one?

nevanerviss · 08-24-2005, 04:14 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inspiron

Like this one?

Well, if I got her one of those, the likelyhood of her falling off and hitting a guardrail is incredibly small...

MagnumForce · 08-24-2005, 04:21 PM

Why not opt for more horsepower and torque?

Check this out!

Keep smiling.

Andy Singh · 08-24-2005, 04:37 PM

Thats really bad news, a big big tragic, im so sorry to hear what happened, like my dad always said son you never know when your time is up. But all that one can do is think of all the good times you had together, I pray to god to rest his soul in peace. my respects.

Andy Singh.

oldfart1958 · 08-24-2005, 05:39 PM

Sounds like you are in the healing process, I am so proud of you... It takes time.. as per the horse idea, I think it is great, I had a horse from when I was 1 1/2 years old.. but be aware, they do scrape you off also. I remember a shetland pony when I was five take me through a grove of trees... swiped me right off in a pile of rocks.. darn thing sure got the spirs after that.. laughs..

Agrees with Hardware, you are the adult, however your daughter is just trying to do what is right, and that is awsome. It is awsome that you have the relationship you do with your daughter, most parents don't..

Take care and keep us posted.. it will all work out great, with God's grace..

nevanerviss · 08-25-2005, 08:18 AM

Andy,

Thank you for your well-wishes... And the rest of you as well...

Oldfart, (it is SO wierd typing that in reference to someone!)

When I say horse, I mean bike... Here in Detroit, your bike is your horse... And I have seen where a horse can knock you off... I think they do that on purpose, I would be pretty mad too if there were a 200 lbs.+ person sitting on my back and used me for transportation...

You're right, I am the adult, but my daughter IS my best friend, and is only trying to help me... And as I said earlier, she need to know what kinda idiots are out there when she starts riding, so I see no reason to sugar-coat things to her... I love her and never want anything to happen to her...

It is a slow process, but I think I can handle it, with God's help, my daughter's and you guys' I think I will be O.K. After I had that talk with Spoonee's wife at his gravesite, I feel like I almost have an obligation to ride... So I talked to my therapist about it, and she says that if I feel ready, then go for it, and my daughter says the same thing... (Why in the hell am I paying someone I don't know $100/hr to tell me stuff that my daughter tells me for free??

) I think my daughter just wants me out of the house so she can burn the phone line all day...

I'm working on it, though... I guess I'll start with short jaunts around the neighborhood, and work my way up from there, but first, I need to work my way up to the short jaunts!!!

bodie27 · 08-25-2005, 09:06 AM

I am so sorry to read your story. You know you are surrounded by some amazing people just here on this site. Listen to them..talk to them. They are all saying the right things. Just keep hanging on. We're all with you on this............

MagnumForce · 08-25-2005, 04:20 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by nevanerviss

When I say horse, I mean bike... Here in Detroit, your bike is your horse... And I have seen where a horse can knock you off... I think they do that on purpose, I would be pretty mad too if there were a 200 lbs.+ person sitting on my back and used me for transportation...

Hehe, I knew that.

I just wanted to get you to smile, that's all. Any parent can wish they have a daughter like yours, but the fact is that you brought her into this world and raised her well. Her compassion had to come from somewhere and I'm sure it came from her mother. Treasure her as she treasures you. Recovery from emotional wounds takes time, but time is on your side. Go at your own pace and continue to discuss your feelings with those you care about. I wish you well and hope to see you on the road somewhere...

Pinhy · 08-27-2005, 12:58 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by inspiron

Like this one?

arghh...im blind from the glare off "thats guy's" head!!

hahaha

.

blackie1491 · 08-28-2005, 01:06 AM

I have been reading the posts here and have not been able to say anything
to assist you.
But sometimes a ride by ones self down a quite country road helps one find inner peace and a sense of freedom. Some times when you are alone on that lonely road, you come to realize a lot of riders are there with you.
ride in peace
Bob

Pay_The_O · 09-07-2005, 07:26 PM

I'e had a feeling like this, but my COUSINS in this case came out ok... and it was so hard for us (family)... but yeah you should find someone to talk to, to just let all of your feelings out to, like a boyfriend/husband/fiance maybe? many people find its easiest to talk to someone they are very close to, but not a brother/sister/parent cause they are TOO close... thats atleast how it works for me...

Keep your chin up, the past has past, the future is now...

08-22-2005, 11:40 AM	#41 (permalink)
oldfart1958 Seat Tester Join Date: Aug 2005 Bike: 1976 Suzuki RM 250 Location: Slave Lake Alberta Posts: 60	Tony, you have such a great daughter, she is doing more for you than you can imagine. When you told about the prayor bell, I had tears in my eyes.. She is an angel and one that many parents would be proud of.. you are on your first steps of healing with the help of your angel.. God bless and take care.. __________________ Have a great day and be safe.

08-22-2005, 06:11 PM	#42 (permalink)
Clint Gainfully employed Join Date: Dec 2003 Bike: 2002 Bandit 1200 S Location: St. Cloud, MN, USA Posts: 20,121	You can't blame yourself for your initial reaction. It's in most of us to expect a positive outcome - that just says something about your attitude toward life. You have a beautiful daughter, no doubt a credit to you. Happy riding. __________________ 'Busa shock, Racetech forks, Holeshot stage 1 & pipe, Hella headlights, CBRXX clipons, Givi bags, Zumo 550, Conti Road Attacks \| Symtec grip heat Arai Signet GTR \| Joe Rocket Meteor boots, Alter Ego pants, jacket \| Alpinestars SP-1 gloves \| Hanes boxer-briefs Gems for motorcyclists

08-22-2005, 07:49 PM	#43 (permalink)
Hardware Sprocket Pilot Join Date: Sep 2004 Bike: 2004 Hayabusa Location: Tokyo, Japan Posts: 843	I am so sorry to hear of another fallen rider and for your loss. Don't second-guess any of your reactions - whether they were your thoughts while sliding along the pavement; or how your felt (or didn't feel) when you first learned of the fatality; or how you later felt about riding. They were simply your reactions to what was a pretty abnormal situation. You cannot change what has happened but you can control (to a certain extent) how you cope with the present and future. You are going to replay the event in your mind repeatedly - it was a very traumatic experience - it's completely normal. See a mental health professional - it's nothing to be ashamed of at all. Emergency workers are referred to mental health professionals on a regular basis. Some forward thinking agencies make it mandatory following a critical incident whereby all staff involved have to see a counsellor. This removes any stigma and even the most macho guys can say to their peers, "Well...we had to go..." - but at least they hopefully open up in private and get the help they require. In case I wasn't clear enough before - see a mental health professional! One other thing (and at the risk of offending) - your daughter sounds like she's incredible - however you are the mother. She's providing support, but don't lean on her too much. Never treat her like a peer that you can confide in. She will always be your daughter and never blur that role. Seek solace from her as a daughter ONLY, seek solace from other close friends as peers. What do I mean by that? Take her for a ride, give/get hugs to/from her but do not discuss the incident or your worst feelings in depth with her. She's a 13 year old kid. Try not to cry in front of her. Go get drunk with close friends and cry/confide/swear/unload to them. Discuss your worst fears with a mental health professional. ...and one last thing...in case I wasn't clear enough before - see a mental health professional! As for riding - there's no right/wrong decision. It's what will feel right to you. I once met a guy who'd been in a pretty bad bike wreck and was told he would never ride again and might not walk. Well, he was walking and riding pretty damn well when I met him. He told me however that the night before any bike tour, he would basically be up all night long, vomitting, he was so nervous. As soon as he swung his leg over the bike in the morning however - he was fine. Don't let anyone tell you that you either should or shouldn't ride. No one else can make that decision for you. Either way, keep us posted. Always keep in mind that there's a lot of brother and sister riders around the world thinking of you. __________________ Meddle not in the affairs of dragons...for you are crunchy and taste good with ketchup.

08-22-2005, 10:25 PM	#44 (permalink)
kyro2000 Third gear and cruising Join Date: Apr 2004 Location: Houston, TX Posts: 532	I'm so sorry to hear this story. The most important thing you can do is to make sure you take time for yourself and you do things at your pace. I lost my father to a motorcycle accident over 3 years ago. Allot of people thought I was insane when I started to ride just 1 year after his death.... but life goes on. You and only you will know when the time has come to throw a leg back over. Once again I'm so sorry to hear this. It's a great loss when you know you were all riding the right way and not even pulling stupid stuff. Thoughts and prayers go to you. __________________ RIP - Arlen, Ross, and Dad. 6/22/02 --------------- --------------- Don’t tell me about disappointment! I’m a Chicago Cubs fan!

08-23-2005, 03:33 AM	#45 (permalink)
KNIGHTENFORCER Ditch Magnet Join Date: Aug 2005 Bike: Suzuki M50 Black Location: NY Posts: 182	reading your posts...i was on the verge of crying myself, it bought back lots of unpleasant memories( death of friends/loved ones), I could only imagine the suffering you've been going through...just dont be too hard on yourself, it was an accident, sometimes things happen that we have absolutely no control over...my thoughts and prayers are with you and your loved ones, and may your friend rest in peace. Remember you will always have a place to vent your feelings (here in this forum), and we'll be listening (reading), right here. __________________ " No matter what bike you ride, Just Ride Safe! and have Fun!" my ride http://community.webshots.com/album/152105785POImxY S&S intake install pics -->:http://community.webshots.com/album/462006004oivzAw

08-23-2005, 11:38 AM	#46 (permalink)
jpwM50 Clutch Cadet Join Date: Jul 2005 Bike: Blue M50 Location: Waterloo, Canada Posts: 944	I feel your pain, I too have gone thru a difficult couple of months where my mom died and my best buddy, my dog of 9 years that I had to put down. All I can say is look for your inner strength to heal yourself and life does go on. Your daughter's help is great and all family members too. God bless.

08-23-2005, 05:34 PM	#47 (permalink)
Scourge U.B's LoveChild Join Date: Apr 2005 Bike: 2002 V-Star 650 Location: Winston Salem, NC Posts: 1,253	DAMN. I've been trying to think of anything that was left out by all the others, but it's all been pretty much covered, so I'll just add a word or two. First off, it sucks, but with time and support it will get better. Don't applologize to yourself or anyone else for your feelings. You have no control over those and that's just the price of being human. The actions you take because of your feelings are totally in your control, but there is no need to act right now. You have all the time you need to come to grips with this so don't fret about riding again, it will come. The nightmares will recede and you will "move on", but like Rowdy said this in one of those things that will forever stay w/ you and that's OK. If you remained Nevanerviss after something like this then you would probably be inline for some serious counciling, but turning into Supernerviss for a while is normal. Councilling isn't a bad idea though, gettin a 3rd person perspective on the whole affair, from someone trained to deal w/ such things isn't a sign of weakness, i'ts a sign of intelligence. We all have our limits. You have to do what's best for you and that kid of yours (give her a hug from me by the way for being such a good one). You'll get through this. It may not seem like that right now, but like I said w/ time and some help it will get better. Good luck to ya chickadee, and if you need anything from the board, all you have to do is shout. We are ALL here for you. __________________ I hate rude behavior in a man, won't tolerate it..

08-24-2005, 12:03 AM	#48 (permalink)
Zuki Dude Fourth gear and illegal Join Date: May 2005 Bike: Sadly, nothing at the moment :( Location: West Palm Beach, Florida Posts: 762	Wow. This is the first I've seen this post. I'm so sorry about the whole situation. I don't even know what to say that hasn't been said. Just rest assure my thoughts are with you. __________________ "I said it before, and I'm here to say it again ... there IS no cure ... I AM back!"

08-24-2005, 08:12 AM	#49 (permalink)
nevanerviss Kickstand Operator Join Date: May 2005 Bike: '03 Marauder & '95 Katana Location: Detroit, Michigan Posts: 266	Thank you so much guys and girls... You guys are awesome!!! Hardware, I definately know where you're coming from, but it's been just me and her for SO long that she's become my best friend and confidant, however, I do realize that she IS my daughter and not a peer... She wants to ride, and eventually, I'll get her her own horse, and she NEEDS to know of the pitfalls that are out there... I do see your point though... I'm the adult and shouldn't rely on a 13 y/o to help me through this; and oh yeah-See a mental health professional I went to his gravesite to lay flowers and pray for him his family and myself for the strength to get past this... Then his wife and their kids showed up, then we ALL cried and prayed... She told me how much courage I had to even get on a bike in the first place, let alone ride after an accident... I told her that except for the funeral, I have not ridden, and she actually got mad... She said, "If you wanna show Spoonee love, ya gotta do it on a bike!!! You ride for your Dad, well, ride for Spoonee now too..." She's right, you know... I have an obligation to ride for those who can no longer ride, but have the spirit to... And if something ever happens to me, I would hope that people that know me will ride for my spirit as well... I'm working toward getting back on, but I do know that it will take some time... __________________ Only a biker knows why dogs hang their heads out of car windows... R.I.P. Spoonee... Ride it like you stole it!!!

08-24-2005, 04:21 PM	#52 (permalink)
MagnumForce Throttle Jockey Join Date: May 2005 Bike: 05 M50, 06 CBR600F4i Location: Sitting on the can... duh! Posts: 3,160	Why not opt for more horsepower and torque? Check this out! Keep smiling. __________________ "I love the smell of toner in the morning… it's the smell of victory!" MAJ M, Staff Officer

08-24-2005, 04:37 PM	#53 (permalink)
Andy Singh Where Am I ? Join Date: Aug 2005 Posts: 27	Thats really bad news, a big big tragic, im so sorry to hear what happened, like my dad always said son you never know when your time is up. But all that one can do is think of all the good times you had together, I pray to god to rest his soul in peace. my respects. Andy Singh.

08-24-2005, 05:39 PM	#54 (permalink)
oldfart1958 Seat Tester Join Date: Aug 2005 Bike: 1976 Suzuki RM 250 Location: Slave Lake Alberta Posts: 60	Sounds like you are in the healing process, I am so proud of you... It takes time.. as per the horse idea, I think it is great, I had a horse from when I was 1 1/2 years old.. but be aware, they do scrape you off also. I remember a shetland pony when I was five take me through a grove of trees... swiped me right off in a pile of rocks.. darn thing sure got the spirs after that.. laughs.. Agrees with Hardware, you are the adult, however your daughter is just trying to do what is right, and that is awsome. It is awsome that you have the relationship you do with your daughter, most parents don't.. Take care and keep us posted.. it will all work out great, with God's grace.. __________________ Have a great day and be safe.

08-25-2005, 08:18 AM	#55 (permalink)
nevanerviss Kickstand Operator Join Date: May 2005 Bike: '03 Marauder & '95 Katana Location: Detroit, Michigan Posts: 266	Andy, Thank you for your well-wishes... And the rest of you as well... Oldfart, (it is SO wierd typing that in reference to someone!) When I say horse, I mean bike... Here in Detroit, your bike is your horse... And I have seen where a horse can knock you off... I think they do that on purpose, I would be pretty mad too if there were a 200 lbs.+ person sitting on my back and used me for transportation... You're right, I am the adult, but my daughter IS my best friend, and is only trying to help me... And as I said earlier, she need to know what kinda idiots are out there when she starts riding, so I see no reason to sugar-coat things to her... I love her and never want anything to happen to her... It is a slow process, but I think I can handle it, with God's help, my daughter's and you guys' I think I will be O.K. After I had that talk with Spoonee's wife at his gravesite, I feel like I almost have an obligation to ride... So I talked to my therapist about it, and she says that if I feel ready, then go for it, and my daughter says the same thing... (Why in the hell am I paying someone I don't know $100/hr to tell me stuff that my daughter tells me for free?? ) I think my daughter just wants me out of the house so she can burn the phone line all day... I'm working on it, though... I guess I'll start with short jaunts around the neighborhood, and work my way up from there, but first, I need to work my way up to the short jaunts!!! __________________ Only a biker knows why dogs hang their heads out of car windows... R.I.P. Spoonee... Ride it like you stole it!!!

08-25-2005, 09:06 AM	#56 (permalink)
bodie27 Kickstand Operator Join Date: Jun 2005 Bike: C50 Boulevard Location: Australian Posts: 295	I am so sorry to read your story. You know you are surrounded by some amazing people just here on this site. Listen to them..talk to them. They are all saying the right things. Just keep hanging on. We're all with you on this............ __________________ Negative Ghostrider, the pattern is full

08-28-2005, 01:06 AM	#59 (permalink)
blackie1491 I took the All Bran Challenge Join Date: Jun 2005 Bike: C50SE Location: Aldergrove, B.C., Canada Posts: 7,634	I have been reading the posts here and have not been able to say anything to assist you. But sometimes a ride by ones self down a quite country road helps one find inner peace and a sense of freedom. Some times when you are alone on that lonely road, you come to realize a lot of riders are there with you. ride in peace Bob

Currently Active Users Viewing This Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)

09-07-2005, 07:26 PM	#60 (permalink)
Pay_The_O Wants Better Weather Join Date: Aug 2004 Bike: 2004 GSX 600 Katana Location: Cambridge, Ontario Posts: 664	I'e had a feeling like this, but my COUSINS in this case came out ok... and it was so hard for us (family)... but yeah you should find someone to talk to, to just let all of your feelings out to, like a boyfriend/husband/fiance maybe? many people find its easiest to talk to someone they are very close to, but not a brother/sister/parent cause they are TOO close... thats atleast how it works for me... Keep your chin up, the past has past, the future is now...

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