humor - Motorcycle-Journal Forums

jjbklb · 04-14-2005, 10:01 AM

Father, mother and son decide to go to the zoo one day. So they set
off and are seeing lots of animals. Eventually they end up opposite
the elephant house. The boy looks at the elephant, sees its willy,
points to it and says, "Mummy, what is that long thing?"

His mother replies, "That, son, is the elephant's trunk."

"No, at the other end."

"That, son is the tail."

"No, mummy, the thing under the elephant."

A short embarrassed silence after which she replies, "That's nothing."

The mother goes to buy some ice-cream and the boy, not being satisfied
with her answer, asks his father the same question.

"Daddy, what is that long thing?"

"That's the trunk, son," replies the father.

"No at the other end."

"Oh, that is the tail."

"No, no daddy, the thing below," asks the son in desperation.

"That is the elephants penis. Why do you ask son?"

"Well mummy said it was nothing," says the boy.

Replies the father: "I tell you, I spoil that woman ..."

_____________________
Catapultam habeo. Nisi pecuniam omnem mihi dabis, ad caput tuum saxum immane mittam.
I have a catapult. Give me all your money, or I will fling an enormous rock at your head.

Ita erat quando hic adveni.
It was that way when I got here.

Machina improba! Vel mihi ede potum vel mihi redde nummos meos!
You infernal machine! Give me a beverage or give me my money back!

Mater tua criceta fuit, et pater tuo redoluit bacarum sambucus!
Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!

Nemo saltat sobrius.
No man dances sober.

Nihil curo de ista tua stulta superstitione.
I'm not interested in your dopey religious cult.

Omnia mihi lingua graeca sunt.
It's all Greek to me.

Quantum materiae materietur marmota monax si marmota monax materiam possit materiari?
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Scientia non habet inimicum nisp ignorantem.
Science has no enemies but the ignorants.

Sentio aliquos togatos contra me conspirare.
I think some people in togas are plotting against me.

Sona si latine loqueris.
Honk if you speak Latin.

Sumptus censum ne superet.
Let not your spending exceed your income.

Ubi dubium ibi libertas.
Where there is doubt, there is freedom.

Unitam logica falsa tuam philosophiam totam suffodiant.
May faulty logic undermine your entire philosophy.

"Vos vestros servate, meos mihi linquite mores." -- Petrarch
You cling to your own ways and leave mine to me.

Quid quid latine dictum sit, altum videtur.
Anything said in Latin sounds profound.

"Nunc est bibendum." -- Horace
Now we must drink.

_________________
From my daughter......
I hate it when people forward bogus warnings...but this one is real,
and it's important. So please send this warning to everyone on your
e-mail list:

If someone comes to your front door saying they are conducting a
survey on deer ticks and asks you to take your clothes off and dance around with your arms up, DO NOT DO IT! IT IS A SCAM; they only want to
see you naked. I wish I'd gotten this yesterday. I feel so stupid now.

_________
A female police officer arrests a man for drunk driving.
The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say can and will be held against you..."

The drunk replies; "T*ts."

________________
I found this interesting.

Florida State University in Tallahassee, Florida
has put this page on its site.

It begins as a view of the Milky Way Galaxy viewed
from a distance of 10 million light years and then
Zooms in towards Earth in powers of ten. 10 million,
to one million, to 100,000 light years and then it
finally reaches a large Oak tree and further.

You can play it forward and backward
to be amazed over and over.

At the end it says AUTO....click on that and
review the process in reverse.

http://micro.magnet.fsu.edu/primer/j...wersof10/index

_______________
Going to Heaven

I was shocked, confused, bewildered**
**as I entered Heaven's door,**
**Not by the beauty of it all,**
**by the lights or its decor.**

**But it was the folks in Heaven**
**who made me sputter and gasp--**
**the thieves, the liars, the sinners,**
**the alcoholics, the trash.**

**There stood the kid from seventh grade**
**who swiped my lunch money twice.**
**Next to him was my old neighbor**
**who never said anything nice.**

**Herb, who I always thought**
**was rotting away in hell,**
**was sitting pretty on cloud nine,**
**looking incredibly well.**

**I nudged Jesus, "What's the deal?**
**I would love to hear Your take.**
**How'd all these sinners get up here?**
**God must've made a mistake.**

**And why's everyone so quiet,**
**so somber? Give me a clue."**
**"Hush, child," said He. "They're all in shock.**
**No one thought they'd see you."**

______________

Two rednecks from down around Bonne Terre, Bubba and Billy Bob, decided
they aren't going anywhere in life and think they should go to the junior college to get ahead.

Bubba goes in first. The professor advises him to take math, history,and
logic.

"What's logic?" asked Bubba.

The professor answers, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a
weed-eater?"

"I sure do," answers the Bubba.
"Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replies the
professor.

"That's real good." Bubba responds in awe.

The professor continues: "Logic will also tell me that since you have a
yard, you also have a house."

Impressed, Bubba shouts,"GAWL-LEEE!"

"And since you own a house and a house is tough to take care of by yourself,
logic dictates that you have a wife."

"Sally Mae!! This is incredible!" Bubba exclaims.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are
heterosexual rather than homosexual," says the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard
of. I cain't wait to take this here logic class."

Bubba, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway
where Billy Bob is still waiting..

"So what classes are ya takin?" asks Billy Bob.

"Math, history, and logic." replies Bubba.

"What in tarnation is logic?" asks Billy Bob?

"Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weed-eater?"

"No.."

"You're a queer, ain't ya?"
______________
Ladies: Did you have too much to drink?
Top ten signs that you've made too many trips to the wine-barrel.

* 1. Your sloppy hugs begin to resemble wrestling takedown moves.
* 2. You suddenly decide you want to kick someone's @$$.
* 3. During a trip to powder your nose, you realize you look more like Tammy Faye Baker than the goddess you were just four hours ago.
* 4. You drop your 3:00 a.m. burrito on the floor, pick it up and carry on eating.
* 5. You've found a deeper side to the office nerd.
* 6. The man you're flirting with used to be your 5th grade teacher.
* 7. You've started to sound like Jessie Ventura from all the cigarettes you've smoked.
* 8. You think you're in bed, but your pillow feels strangely like pizza.
*9. You start every conversation with a booming, "Don't take this the wrong way but..."
*10. You prove to your friends that girls can pee standing up if they really want to.

_____________
racist
http://shortnews.stern.de/v_bilder/v_333767_6278.jpg
_______________
After having their 11th child, an Alabama couple decided that was enough, as they could not afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his veterinarian and told him that he and his cousin didn't want to have any more children.
The doctor told him that there was a procedure called a vasectomy that could fix the problem but that it was expensive. A less costly alternative, said the doctor, was to go home, get a cherry bomb (fireworks are legal in Alabama), light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10.

The Alabamian said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest man in the world, but I don't see how putting a cherry bomb in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me".

"Trust me," said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cherry bomb and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count:

"1"

"2"

"3"

"4"

"5"

At which point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs, an resumed counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in Kentucky, Mississippi, and West Virginia.