Top Ten Thoughts For 2008!!

[Uncle B]

TOP TEN THOUGHTS FOR 2008!!

Number 10
Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9
Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

Number 8
Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection,
make him a sandwich.

Number 7
Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the
Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6
Some people are like a Slinky ... not really good for anything, but you
still can't help but smile when you shove them down the stairs.

Number 5
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

Number 4
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3
Why does a slight tax increase cost you $200.00 and a substantial tax cut
saves you $0.30?

Number 2
In the '60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2008:
We know exactly where one cow with Mad-cow-disease is located among the
millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to
where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we
should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

And the BONUS thought for today "Life is like a jar of jalapenos. What you
do today, might burn your a$$ tomorrow".

[omegajim]

I have to add a couple of things......

8B - don't forget a beer with that sammich

7B - you could always teach a man to fish, then he'll sit in the boat and drink beer all day. I still love that one.

6 - some people are like a slinky, yeah, I know a few ex-coworkers that resemble that remark.

[busa-boy33]

lol.. good stuff

[KD57]

7c...give a man a fish, he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will blow all his money on spinner baits.

[themeatmanlandry]

Originally Posted by busa-boy33

lol.. good stuff

[jgreth]

Great list.

[Rockhead]

Saw that list on another forum yesterday good stuff.

[inspiron]

#10 is incomplete:

"Life is a sexually transmitted, terminal condition."

[robertc729]

[Uncle B]

2008 Contract

After serious & cautious consideration.....your contract of friendship has been renewed for the New Year 2008!

It was a very hard decision to make. So try not to screw it up!!!

My Wish for You in 2008

May peace break into your house and may thieves come to steal your debts. May the pockets of your jeans become a magnet of $100 bills. May love stick to your face like Vaseline and may laughter assault your lips! May your clothes smell of success like smoking tires and may happiness slap you across the face and may your tears be that of joy. May the problems you had forget your home address! In simple words ............

May 2008 be the best year of your life!!!

[LCA_koolaid37]

And a "Hardy Har, Har" to you, sailor.

[Uncle B]

What, you ask, is "Butt dust?" Read on and you'll discover the joy in it! These have to be original and genuine. No adult is this creative!!

JACK (age 3) was watching his Mom breast-feeding his new baby sister. After a while he asked: "Mom why have you got two? Is one for hot and one for cold milk?"

MELANIE (age 5) asked her Granny how old she was. Granny replied she was so old she didn't remember any more. Melanie said, "If you don't remember you must look in the back of your panties. Mine say five to six."

STEVEN (age 3) hugged and kissed his Mom good night. "I love you so much that when you die I'm going to bury you outside my bedroom window."

BRITTA NY (age 4) had an earache and wanted a pain killer. She tried in vain to take the lid off the bottle. Seeing her frustration, her Mom explained it was a child-proof cap and she'd have to open it for her. Eyes wide with wonder, the little girl asked: "How does it know it's me?"

SUSAN (age 4) was drinking juice when she got the hiccups. "Please don't give me this juice again," she said, "It makes my teeth cough."

DJ (age 4) stepped onto the bathroom scale and asked: "How much do I cost?"

MARC (age 4) was engrossed in a young couple that were hugging and kissing in a restaurant. Without taking his eyes off them, he asked his dad: "Why is he whispering in her mouth?"

CLINTON (age 5) was in his bedroom looking worried. When his Mom asked what was troubling him, he replied, "I don't know what'll happen with this bed when I get married. How will my wife fit in?"

JAMES (age 4) was listening to a Bible story. His dad read: "The man named Lot was warned to take his wife and flee out of the city but his wife looked back and was turned to salt." Concerned, James asked: "What happened to the flea?"

TAMMY (age 4) was with her mother when they met an elderly, rather wrinkled woman her Mom knew. Tammy looked at her for a while and then asked, "Why doesn't your skin fit your face?"

The Sermon I think this Mom will never forget.... this particular Sunday sermon..."Dear Lord," the minister began, with arms extended toward heaven and a rapturous look on his upturned face. "Without you, we are but dust." He would have continued but at that moment my very obedient daughter who was listening leaned over to me and asked quite audibly in her shrill little four year old girl voice, "Mom, what is butt dust?"

[Uncle B]

Thought for the Day

King Arthur and the Witch:

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youth and ideals.

So, the monarch offered him his freedom, as long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer an d, if after a year, he still had no answer, he would be put to death.

The question?....What do women really want? Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. But, since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

He returned to his kingdom and began to poll everyone: the princesses, the priests, the wise men and even the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a satisfactory answer.

Many people advised him to consult the old witch, for only she would have the answer.

But the price would be high; as the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived and Arthur had no choice but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer the question, but he would have to agree to her price first.

The old witch wanted to marry Sir Lancelot, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. She was hunchbacked and hideous, had only one tooth, smelled like sewage, made obscene noises, etc.
He had never encountered such a repugnant creature in all his life.

He refused to force his friend to marry her and endure such a terrible burden; but Lancelot, learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur.

He said nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table.

Hence, a wedding was proclaimed and the witch answered Arthur's question thus:

What a woman really wants, she answered....is to be in charge of her own life.

Everyone in the kingdom instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared.

And so it was, the neighboring monarch granted Arthur his freedom and Lancelot and the witch had a wonderful wedding.

The honeymoon hour approac hed and Lancelot, steeling himself for a horrific experience, entered the bedroom. But, what a sight awaited him. The most beautiful woman he had ever seen lay before him on the bed. The astounded Lancelot asked what had happened?

The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her when she appeared as a witch, she would henceforth, be her horrible deformed self only half the time and the beautiful maiden the other half.
Which would he prefer? Beautiful during the day....or night?

Lancelot pondered the predicament. During the day, a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his castle, an old witch? Or, would he prefer having a hideous witch during the day, but by night, a beautiful woman for him to enjoy wondrous intimate moments?

What would YOU do?

What Lancelot chose is below. BUT...make YOUR choice before you scroll down below. OKAY?

"Noble Lancelot said that he would allow HER to make the choice herself".

"Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her enough to let her be in charge of her own life.

"Now....what is the moral to this story?

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The moral is..... If you don't let a woman have her own way....
Things are going to get ugly.

[Low&Slow]

Today, I have been made wiser.