:sad:

[themeatmanlandry]

When I saw Daddy crying, I knew what it was. There's only one thing that would ever make my dad cry, and it had happened.

There's no easy way to type this, so I'll just get it out.

Mama died.

I got the call at work Wednesday morning. My wife's exact words: "You need to come home, something's happened to your mom." My wife had found her on the couch when she went over to drop off the girl. I'll just bullet the facts to save time:

-Wife found her "asleep" on the couch
-Daughter tried to wake her
-Wife couldn't wake her
-Wife called 911
-Wife started CPR
-Help arrives
-Wife calls me
-Daddy gets a call at the golf course
-Daddy gets home
-I get home
-She's transported
-They re-start her heart
-They tell us it's going to take time to see how well her brain and heart are going to heal
-They tell us hope is futile
-We let her go

I got out of the truck and saw Daddy crying in the rain and I knew I was %%%%ed. It was over. She was only 59.

They were able to restart her heart on the way to the hospital, and they surgicaly opened up three arteries (100%, 100%, and 95% blocked) but her heart had sustained too much damage. Her blood pressure dropped steadily over the next 12 hours and my father and I told her goodbye. My brother (the 'tough' one) couldn't stand the pain of being there. I understand. Personally, I couldn't stand the pain of *not* being there.

The worst part for me is my daughter. She's only 3, she shouldn't have to deal with this. Life is cruel and unfair at times. Her Grandaddy died back in March, and she still thinks he's in the hospital. Last night, she turned to me and said, "Granny had to go to the DOC-tor." I said, "Yeah, sweetie, she did." We both sat there a couple of seconds and I said, "Sweetie. Granny had to go to the HOSPITAL." She looked at me, then stared at the wall and said, "Oh." I have never felt so hollow in all my life.

This morning, my wife had to go to work. That means that the girl'll wake up and once she finds out where her mama is she's going to say, "Want to go to Granny's." At that point, I'm going to take her over there and my Dad and I are going to tell her that Granny's with Grandaddy and the orange kitty, and that we can't go see them. I am not prepared for this.

My 3-year old daughter really doesn't have any friends her age. Every weekday she'd be dropped off with Granny at 7:00 a.m. and she sould pretty much stay with Granny only until I came to pick her up at 4:15 p.m.

Her best friend has died, and she's only 3 years old. Life can be so harsh at times that you can taste it.

Mama hated doctors. Her dad died in his early 50's after 3 heartattacks. My mom was 12 when that happened. After one of those heartattacks, he was left on a gurney in the hospital until my grandmother could scrape the money together for his treatment. I suppose that would leave a permanent scar on a kid, to where they'd despise doctors for the next 47 years.

My grandmother is still alive and she is tore up. I can't wait to see her.

The scariest part about leaving someone you love so much (my mom and I are corbon copies of each other . . . looks, voice, personality, like/dislikes, etc.) is the future. I can deal with the funeral. I can deal with the loss. What I can't deal with is not knowing where I'm going now. This is so untimely.

We all figured that Daddy (who's 71) would have gone WAAY before Mama. This is so unfair.

I'm dealing with it okay. I cry a lot, and all I really want to do is lay down and drink water. What a puss. But my friends and family are very supportive, so I've got plenty of help.

I've seen death so many times in the past, that I thought I was ready for it. I've cleaned up after it's little "parties" many times, but I've never lost a close family member. It had to me my Mama first, eh? I was totally unprepared. I was a trainwreck when I lost my dogs and a cat. I never imagined losing Mama could be so damaging. Physically, mentally, emotionally . . . just an all around kick in the nuts. Believe it or not, I have no (I mean zero) interest in anything right now. I don't want to ride, I don't want to pick, I don't want to lift, I don't want to screw, I don't want to eat, I don't wnat to do anything. Just sleep and drink water.

My wife's not dealing with it so well. For her (like me) the greatest pain comes from the loss for others. I really wish my wife hadn't have had to find her. She said Mama was laid out on the couch like she was asleep. Just as peaceful . . . at least she got to die at home. The doctor said she most likely never felt a thing. Just a little sick, laid down, then done.

Daddy's not dealing with it well at all. Like I said earlier, it was always assumed that Daddy would die first. He's really taking this hard. Understandably. They were married for 41 years, and she was his everything. They were totally inseparable. The only time he wasn't with her was when he was either golfing or at church. He's really taking this hard. Blaming himself and such. My brother and I are here for him.

I'll be gone for a while, but I'll be back. Thanks in advance for your thoughts and prayers.

A mother's goodness lives on through the good deeds of her children.

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