Want to experience Navy life.....? - Motorcycle-Journal Forums

buster · 09-27-2007, 04:41 AM

Here are list of fun things you can do at home, with your family, to simulate the wonderful world of the Royal Navy ("THE TEAM WORKS")

1. Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe, fit a thin mattress and sleep on top of it.

2. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that is too small.

3. Wash your socks and underpants in the bathroom sink every night, and then hang them on the water pipes to dry.

4. Four hours after you have gone to bed, instruct your wife to whip open the curtain, shine a torch in your face and say “sorry mate, wrong pit”

5. When you have a shower, point the showerhead directly at your chest and remember to turn off the water while you soap up.

6. Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair and rock as hard as you can until you are violently sick.

7. Put diesel oil into a humidifier and set it on high so as to achieve that wonderful ship aroma.

8. Don’t watch telly except for a movie at 2030. For added realism, have the family vote for which movie to have and then select a different one.

9. While watching your movie, turn out all lights and get your wife and children to walk in and out of the room every ten minutes.

10. Once a week blow compressed air up your chimney, ensuring that the soot is carried over to your neighbour’s house. When he comes over to complain, laugh at him and say “Life in a blue suit mate!”

11. Buy a rubbish compactor, but only use it once a week, storing all your compacted rubbish in the shower cubicle.

12. Wake up at midnight each night and make a sandwich out of anything you can find.

13. Have a fridge in your home specifically for beer, put a lock on it and give the key to the local policeman.

14. Keep spare keys for the above and empty it each dinnertime.

15. Devise your family menu a week in advance without looking in the fridge or freezer.

16. Once a month, take apart every household appliance then re-assemble it.

17. Use four spoonfuls of coffee per cup and wait 3 hours before drinking it.

18. Invite 120 people you don’t like to stay in your house for a couple of months.

19. Install a small fluorescent strip light under a coffee table, then lie underneath it and read a book.

20. Raise the thresholds and lower the top sills of all the doors in your house, so you will either bang your head or skin your shins ever time you walk through them.

21. At breakfast put a sign on the dining room table reading “one sausage only”, or “Milk is for cereals only”.

22. Every so often throw one of the kids in the bath and scream “Man Overboard!” Sling in a sponge with a flag on it, then run into the kitchen and knock all the pots and pans on the floor and yell at the wife for not securing for sea.

23. Get your wife and kids to clean their rooms every evening, and at 1900 wander around the house with the local policeman.

24. Name your favourite shoes “Steaming Bats” then get the kids to hide them around the house. Then stomp around in a foul mood yelling "Who's got my f**king bats!"

25. Insist on going to the local post office for your mail and get them to phone you when it is ready for collection.

26. On a Saturday morning, walk around the house whistling loudly, and insist that everybody you pass salutes you.

27. Paint the outside of your house grey and paint the house number in enormous black numbers.

28. Every Thursday morning at 6am, run around the house yelling “Hands to Action Stations!”

29. Roll up a porn magazine and hide it behind the cistern in your toilet so all your visitors can read it. (For added realism, you can glue some of the best pages together).

30. When your family demands more food, shout back at them saying “WHAT DO YOU EXPECT FOR 39p A DAY!!!”